Starked LA

July 4th, 2008

Happy 4th of July from StarkedLA.com and The Muppets!

God bless America, indeed - we came up with the Muppets, and that’s enough for me!

Happy B-Day, US o’ A!

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July 3rd, 2008

A-Rod to Wife: You’re Outta Here! (…And Shacking Up With Lenny Kravitz in Europe)

Madonna and A-Rod… A-Rod’s wife and Lenny Kravitz…. What kind of wacky rock-n-roll-n-baseball-hall-of-fame sitcom scenario is this?? Did the old Three’s Company writers come up with this idea?

Anyhoo, here’s the scoop on Alex Rodriguez splitting from his wife, just a day after rumors surfaced that she was living it up with Lenny Kravitz (of all people):

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June 30th, 2008

Really, Pamela Anderson? You Wanna Go THERE?

And a few other questions to ponder after watching this clip…

What does Pamela Anderson have against Jessica Simpson, and why is she talking about it on Australian radio anyway?

If Jessica Simpson was being “whore”-ish with her “Real Girls Eat Meat” shirt, meaning that the shirt referred to the other, other, other white meat (not chicken, pork, or  - in burly Scottish accent - baby) than why would Pamela Anderson have a problem with it? Has she seen “Pam & Tommy”??

If Jessica Simpson was being “bitch”-ish with the tee, meaning that the shirt referred to eating beef, pork, fish, chicken, Chicken of the Sea (or are those the same?) well, it was still uncalled for but I can kinda see where the rabid PETA advocate was coming from.

Last question: What’s up with the radio hostess repeating everything Pam said like she was encouraging a toddler to speak for the first time?

Toddler: Uhh, mmm… Bitch!

Mommy/Radio Hostess: Bitch! Good babyyy!

Toddler: Whore!

Mommy/Radio Hostess: Whore! Good job! Who’s a good baby? You are! Yes you are! Yes you aaarrree!

…And, scene.

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June 29th, 2008

The Five News Stories That Made Me Nauseated This Week

1. The Vern Troyer sex tape. Seriously nauseating, not just in an “oh ha, ha, that’s so gross”-way. In a “I’m really gonna go throw up now”-way.

2. Booty Sweat, the delicious new beverage from the creators of Black Robert Downey, Jr. On a scale of 1-5 of nausea-inducement, I’ll give this one a 2.8.

3. This cat’s face. Put that little guy out of his misery lady! Holy shit! Very nauseating!

4.  Tickets for “Dark Night,” the new Batman flick staring the late Heath Ledger, are already selling out, and the movie doesn’t even open for another 3 weeks! It’s not so much nauseating per se, as it is just sorta creepy and weird.

5. Shaquille O’Niel rap-asked Kobe Bryant to tell him how is ass tastes. Well that’s pretty gross, Shaq. I didn’t even realize that being told what one’s own ass tasted like was something to aspire to! So um, why would you want someone to tell you that, dude? And under what circumstances would Kobe be able to give you that kind of information? Why are you participating in that kind of behavior? Maybe that has something to do with your marriage ending… With a vivid imagination, this story will definitely leave a bad taste in your mouth. A vomit-y taste. What did you think I meant?

And those are The 5 News Stories That Made Me Nauseated This Week. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.

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June 29th, 2008

Lindsay Lohan Has a Bastard Half-Sister? Sweet!

I hope it’s a redhead. That would be the best!

Indeed, Michael Lohan appears to have fathered a child with a woman who was not his then-wife Dina (my favorite Lohan) some thirteen years ago while he and Dina were on a break.

If only that episode of Friends had aired earlier! Ross and Rachel? Anybody?

And of course being the media darling that he is, Daddy Lo released this statement about the situation:

“I was with her twice. Then 10 years later, while I was in jail, she called me and told me that her husband at the time turned up negative in the paternity test, and she told me that meant I was the father. I haven’t seen her for 13 years. I believed her at first but now, out of nowhere, she’s gone public. This is a woman with a lot of issues, I don’t know if I can trust her.”

Classy! The baby-mama, Kristi Kaufmann, released this statement shortly thereafter:

“I just want to make sure the truth comes out. Michael is already out there spreading lies. The only other person I had slept with [other than my husband] was Michael.. My daughter has a right to know who her father is — and it’s Michael.”

Side note: Lindsay and Ali’s little brother Dakota Lohan will be 13 years old in December. Way to procreate in 1995, Micheal!

Image used with permission from newscom.com.

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June 29th, 2008

New Miley Cyrus Video - With Clothes!

Miley Cyrus has released the video for her latest single “7 Things I Hate About You,” and it’s sure to be a massive hit. Either a massive hit, or angry parents will continue burning piles of Hannah Montana merchandise until Annie Lebowitz issues an official apology for the “topless” Vanity Fair photos and leaves the country for a pro-bono gig at Euro Disney.

Watch the so-new-we-can’t-embed-it-without-being-sued video here.

Image used with permission from newscom.com.

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June 28th, 2008

Ah They Oah Ahn’t They? A Divohce Countdown, Lovies.

Didja like my fake British accent there? I was channeling my inner Madonna in honor of this story.

But that is the big question this week: Are Madonna and Mr. Madonna, Guy Ritchie, divorcing or what?

The rumors have been going around for months - if not years - that this couple have hopped the train to splitsville, but things seemed to get serious this week when news surfaced that Madge has hired Paul McCartney’s big time divorce attorney, Fiona something or other (you know, the lady Heather Mills poured the pitcher of water on.) But just weeks ago we were all told that the pair were “just fine.” What to believe??

My money’s on d-i-v-o-r-c-e.  And here are The Top 10 Reasons Mr. & Mrs. Her Madgesty are so Ovah:

10. Guy is still pissed about the humiliating strap-on incident.

9. He thought “4 Mintues” really sucked.

AFTER THE JUMP- 8 MORE EVEN-BETTER REASONS: Read More

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June 28th, 2008

Amy Winehouse Shows Us How NOT Act At Nelson Mandela’s 90th Birthday Concert

Oh Nelson Mandela… Like you haven’t been through enough? Now some cracked-out loony white girl has to hit guests during her performance at your big 90th birthday celebration? That sucks.

Naomi Campbell must be pissied!

UPDATE: As commenter Oracle has pointed out, that was footage from a different cracked-out Amy Winehouse performance at the Glastonbury music festival on Saturday. Here’s the footage from the cracked-out Nelson Mandela performance, which, in all honesty, could have been a lot worse…

She’s still singing “Rehab”? Sure the song made her a superstar, but isn’t it just a little not-funny-’cause-it’s-so-damn-true now? Come on…

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June 27th, 2008

Strike That Pose, John McCain!

Ah the green-screen. Endless possibilities!

Here we have presidential hopeful John McCain, starring what is so far the best re-deux of his boooooring speech earlier this month, which, by the grace of God and to the elation of überool computer nerds everywhere, was given in front of a magical green screen. It’s a thing of genius, a thing of beauty, a thing you will surely love:

Covergirl!

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June 24th, 2008

Take That, You Squid Brains!

Kanye West has gotten a lot of flack recently for starting his set at the Bonnaroo Music Festival two hours late - because, as everyone knows, you do NOT keep a bunch of stoned alt-rock fans waiting!

 
Image details: BAPE Store Opening - Arrivals served by picapp.com

 So Kanye, never one to let some critisism go un-touchéd, has taken to his blog to let it all out (ALL out):

“I am sick of negative people who just sit around trying 2 plot my downfall… Why???? I understand if people don’t like me because I like me or if people think tight clothes look gay or people say I run my mouth to much, But this Bonnaroo thing is the worst insult I’ve ever had in my life. This is the most offended I’ve ever been… this is the maddest I ever will be. I’m typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!! Call me any name you want…. arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, racist, metro, fag whatever you can think of…. BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL! NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL! THIS SHOWS NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY TO BE GOOD AT SOMETHING THERE WILL BE PEOPLE THERE TO LIE ABOUT YOU AND BRING YOU DOWN! LIKE WAYNE SAYS PLEASE DON’T SHOOT ME DOWN CAUSE I’M FLYING! I’M FUCKING HURT BY THIS ONE. ALL I CARE ABOUT ARE THE FANS. JUST SAY THIS OUT LOUD IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, “KANYE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT GIVING A GOOD PERFORMANCE.” CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THAT ????????? HAS ANYONE EVEN TAKEN THE TIME TO AT LEAST DO THE MATH??? BONNAROO SHOULD HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT IN MY DEFENSE BUT SINCE THEY HAVEN’T LET’S BREAK DOWN THE WALLS ON THIS TRUMAN SHOW AND LET YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY OCCURRED!!! FOR OVER A MONTH WE WENT BACK AND FORTH ON WETHER OR NOT WE COULD EVEN FIT MY STAGE AT THE FESTIVAL. ONE DAY THEY WOULD SAY YES… WE’D SEND THEM OUR SPECS THEN THEY THEY’D SAY OK… THEN THEY WOULD SEND SPECS BACK THAT DIDN’T FIT THE STAGE. WE WERE OBVIOUSLY DEALING WITH FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DIDN’T REALLY HAVE THE CAPACITY TO REALLY PUT ON THIS SHOW PROPERLY. THEY TRIED 2 GIVE ME A TIME SLOT WERE IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUTSIDE … I HAVE A FUCKING LIGHT SHOW DUMB ASS, IT’S NOT CALLED GLOW IN THE DARK FOR NO REASON SQUID BRAINS! MY PEOPLE WORKED OUT A COMPROMISED STAGE PLOT AND A 3AM TIME SLOT AND I AGREED. FAST FOWARD TO THE DAY OF THE SHOW. MY PRODUCTION MANAGER TRIED TO LOAD IN FOR 24 HOURS BEFORE I WENT ON STAGE BUT THE FESTIVAL WOULDN’T ALLOW US TO DO ANYTHING UNTILL PEARL JAM LEFT THE STAGE. PEARL JAM ENDED ONE HOUR LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THAT POINT WE’RE RACING AGAINST THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT 4:20AM DON COMES BACK 2 THE BUS AND TELLS ME, ” IT WOULD TAKE 45 MORE MINUTES TO PUT ALL YOUR PYRO IN!” I SAY I HAVE TO GET OUT THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE . I HIT THE STAGE AND PEOPLE HAD BEEN THROWING SHIT ON THE STAGE AND HAD ACTUALLY HIT THE JANE SCREEN WITH, I GUESS BOTTLES OR SOMETHING AND HAD BROKEN MY FUCKING SCREEN. REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A SHORTY AND WATER WOULD HIT THE TV?????? WHEN I GOT 2 “THROUGH THE WIRE” I STEPPED ON THE FRONT PART OF MY STAGE AND THERE WAS SO MUCH LIQUID ON THE STAGE I COULDN’T MOVE WITHOUT SLIPPING. I HAD TO ADJUST MY WHOLE PERFORMANCE STYLE BECAUSE OF IT. A FEW MORE SONGS IN AND THE SONG WAS ON IT’S WAY UP.. I CUT A FEW SONGS FROM THE SET BECAUSE I WANTED PEOPLE 2 EXPERIENCE STRONGER WHILE THERE WAS STILL SOME DARKNESS TO PERFORM IT IN. I’VE STRUGGLED WITH STRONGER FROM IT’S CONCEPTION. REMEMBER LAST SUMMER WHEN I CANCELED SOME TV APPEARANCES. IT WAS BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO PERFORM STRONGER IN THE DAYTIME. ANYONE WHO CAME TO THE GLOW TOUR CAN UNDERSTAND WHY I WANTED PEOPLE TO SEE IT PROPERLY. IT BROKE MY HEART THAT I COULDN’T GIVE THESE FANS STRONGER IN IT’S GREATEST FORM… BY THE TIME I GOT TO STRONGER IT WAS DAYTIME AND IT BROKE MY HEART. I’M SORRY TO EVERYONE THAT I DIDN’T HAVE THE ABILITY 2 GIVE THE PERFORMANCE I WANTED TO. I’M SORRY… SOMETIMES I GO 2, 3 DAYS W/O SLEEP WORKING ON MY PERFORMANCE… I HAVE TO ICE MY KNEES AFTER EVERY SHOW AND THEY HURT WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE AIRPORT… HAVING AN EXPENSIVE STAGE CUTS MY PAYDAY IN HALF… CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT BUT NEVER SAY I DIDN’T GIVE MY ALL!!!”

Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, Kansie!

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